I wonder how many times I will have to reassess or re-evaluate where I'm at. How many times I'll sit and say to myself, you've gone to far. You've gotten away from it. You have become what you said you wouldn't. You are the hypocrite you despise. Where is your fire? The one that burned in you, when you said you would give this life to God?
I said I wouldn't go back to my old habits or my old ways. But where does He find me? In my old habits. In my old ways. And I ask him again and again, why do you never tire of this? I have let my fire go out, I've let you down and whoever else who might be out there watching.
I wonder why you are so eager to welcome your prodigal son. Why that, before I can offer my excuses or my rehearsed stories, you have silenced me. You have fallen around my neck rejoicing. And this is what angers me. This is what saddens me and rips my heart apart.
To know your love is to know the need of a savior. To know your grandness compared to my frailty, your awesomeness compared to my lacking. How you could ever love the tainted hearts of any of us makes me only ask, why?
Why set us the cornerstone of your creation?
Why bless us when we fail you?
Why love us at all?
And yet I hear you rejoicing for me. Asking me why?
Why have you not gotten tired of this foolishness?
Why do bother to fight against my will?
Why not accept this grace?
Lord forgive me for letting this fire subside.
I am asking you, again, to rebuild me and to set me on fire for you.
Let me regain myself and carry this light of yours out into the world.
Let me die, so you can replace me with you.
Let this fire replace the emptiness I have placed in it's stead.
You need to write a book. The way you write is fabulous.
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