Not me...You

I've been going through older blogs and it almost broke my heart. To see where I was so passionate, to remember this love affair I had. My life revolved around God. I read the Bible to learn and just be captivated and consumed.I'd try to wrap my mind around the mysteries of God. I was infatuated. I had an understanding. I loved it. Millions of people everywhere in the world and all there was was us. The creator of heaven and earth and it was just us. I was on the front line...

but my priorities shifted. Not at first. but little by little. My eyes filled with amazement and wonder shifted toward mirrors and worldly things. I realized my agenda was how can I fit God into my life? How can my life reflect God? I had images and thoughts of being this amazing pastor. I'd Speak hell fire and salvation, picturing people being moved. Prodigal sons and life stories.

So what's wrong with that?

Well, looking back I realize, I traded this love affair for my agenda. I put me first.

I heard a pastor speaking in a sermon series. The series itself had nothing to do with this. It was entitled, why your purity doesn't work. Obviously not the same thing as this. I've heard the message before but, this was somehow different.

The pastor began the message with, Mark 8 - Take up your cross and follow me; and 2 Corinthians 4 - I die daily.

I talk about my agenda, my writing had hints of it underneath. My life had it under the surface. But, I had no cross... and I certainly stopped following Jesus. I didn't recant my faith or anything like that... but just as Peter denied Christ... My life and my agenda, my thoughts and my actions ... well I was denying Christ.

"I die daily..." The contradiction was staring me down. My flesh, my sin, my denials... I certainly wasn't dying to myself. If I was the prodigal son, I would have basically gone BACK into the world...

I've put off thinking about this for about a week. Tonight as I drove home, well, it seemed like God was saying, "we need to talk."

I just... I just don't want my agenda anymore. Not if it's going to cost me something like this. So what happens now? Now, I guess I have some things to sort out. Time for this prodigal to start walking home. Time to pick out my cross and lay my life down.

So tonight, I pray for a lack of agenda. I pray for a lack of me. Not me... but YOU.